Praying for real. Praying now.

I am a daughter, sister, friend, neighbor, wife, and mother.  It is all of these things that I am, that bring me to tears for the those that I have spent the past 2 days seeing on TV.  If you are any of these things, or those of your own, that gives you a connection to the world of human beings, your heart will ache.  Mine does.

I had a recent drive in the car for preschool drop off.  As part of our regular routine, we pray in the car, out loud, for whoever it is that we will be dropping off.  If I forget to pray, my four year old is my prayer alarm.  He may not always join in, or say the “Amen” at the end, but I know that even in his four year old little heart, he takes comfort in his mama praying for him and even greater comfort in the Lord, who we humbly ask to watch over us.  And when that alarm sometimes does not go off, I am left driving away, emptiness in the seats behind me, without having offered a prayer.

I do not forget to pray because I am a bad person or mother.  I don’t even forget because I am too busy, since I am literally sitting, belted into a seat, driving to a certain destination that gives me the same amount of ample time to pray each day.  There is no really good reason for forgetting.  But I do.  Then something happen recently that had me thinking about my prayer time for my children.

I now have a kindergartner   He leaves me each morning.  He steps onto a bus and goes into a world beyond my control.  Oh, I've tried to control it, by where we live and carefully deciding which school would be his.  By trying to plan play dates with the families that will share in his world.  By treading lightly, but asking as many questions about his day that I can.

And then one day, recently, he told me something that had happened at school that upset him.  My heart hurt.  It was nothing earth shattering.  He was happy and eager to get back on the bus the next day.  But it was earth shattering for ME.  Because in that little moment of heartache that I had for my son, I came to a realization.  I could plan and want and hope and try and try and try.  I can love and love and love some more.  But I, am not in control.  Ultimately, my babies are children of God.  It doesn't matter if I home school, or send them off, take them to the mall or stay home, go to a weekend movie, or rent one on TV.   They are God’s children, sent to this world.  A fallen world.

I started to think, “have I been praying for these babies of mine?  Really praying?”  Of course I had.  Right?  I'm a Christian.  I say their prayers with them at night.  I “like” lots of  bible quoters and preachers, and church pages on face book.  I get their updates frequently and stop to take it in.  I talk with God when I’m cleaning, or nursing, or drifting off to sleep.  I intend to daily devote, although slack at it.  And I do pray for them, but it seemed to have taken on a monotone.

I thought about all of the things of this world that I concern myself with throughout the day and week.  Whatever I came up with, these little people trump it.  They are more important to me than my home, or phone, or workout, or facebook.  Way more important than that pinterest project/recipe that clouds my mind, that I will probably never do anyway.  Its not horrible to allow these things into your life.  Some of them are fun and at times joyful.  But the priority needs to be set.  God above all else.  Prayer, prayer and more prayer.  

I was literally thinking to myself that I needed to bring all of the things, I could not control about my children, to God.  I needed to pray to him to help me as a mother and a decision maker, but more importantly FOR my kids.  Each one of them.  By name.  For protection.  For safety.  For health.  For their path in their own lives in this world that is wonderful, yet dark.  Because darkness is real.  I needed to pray from the bottom of my heart, on a Tuesday, just because it is Tuesday.  In the afternoon, just because I am passing by a window and happen to see the great sky.  I have to continue to pray and be thankful, with all I can muster while they are driving me a little crazy, or when we are outside having a great day.

Because its NOW that matters.  Now.  I didn't want to end up only doing it for real, because I am brought to my knees, with no where else to go, pleading out of sadness or grief.  All of our roads bend.  We don’t know what is around our corners.  No amount of “control through the best decisions you can possible make”, will rid evil from our midst.  And so we are left with giving our faith and trust to God.  All of our worries and concerns about these little ones that He has given us, goes right back to him.  

I grieve.  Truly grieve  for these families who now cry, impossible to imagine, tears.  I don’t know them.  I have no real life connection to them. But, their daughters, sisters, friends, neighbors and wives are gone.  Their BABIES are gone.  Little boys.  Little girls.  Gone.

This I connect with.  I can’t hug them, or smile at them, only cry from afar.  If nothing else can come of their deaths for us, let it be this.  Pray.  Pray for your little boys.  Your little girls.  Your big boys and big girls.  Pray out loud with them.  Pray quietly for them.  Pray for them by name.  Pray feverishly.  Pray so much and so often that the weird feeling you might have in doing so, is shut down, by God’s power.  The words will come, trust me, they will come.

These little children would not have died in vain.  You can make this statement true.

Lord, have mercy on the souls of those who were taken.  Look down on those left behind.  Bless their community, homes and schools.  Bless teachers and students everywhere.  Guide parents and their words through these times.  Help them find a rock in you, that steadies them through the days ahead.  They need you.  I need you.  I pray that someone will find you in this chaos, since your hand is right there, waiting, and gently providing.  I pray for my family and for the one that may read these words.  In Jesus name, Amen.

See.  The words came.

With love and a heavy heart.    ~K