I Love You Mommy

Early rising, check. No naps, check. Freezing cold weather that enables us to stay inside ALL day, check. One sick baby, check. A trip to the pediatrician's office acommpanied by an hour long wait...you guessed it, check. Oh and add into the mix, crying through dinner. The countdown to bedtime is on. Well, really in my mind, it may have been on all day. It is one of those days.

Oh you know the days. The ones where you summons the patience that sits inside of you somewhere, just in case. Patience you would otherwise never use, not even when the line at the grocery store is too long. Not even when the person currently being served decides to ask a couple of questions and argue price on top of his difficult transaction. No, mom patience is much different. Being patient with a child, at the height of your desperate need for a good scream, is, well, a gift from God. It has to be.

My little Luca buca can't talk, so he just cries and/or bites. Johnie can talk, and very well. Talking while crying is his specialty. Its a lovely kind of sound. And tiredness is a sound all unto its own. But, they are my loves. My snotty, crying, wet diapered loves. Yes they are. And off to bed they go. I really love them at bedtime.

Well, the baths are accomplished. Jammies are on. The baby boost episode is finished. The books have been read. My last nursing seesion has ended. Prayers have been said. A back has been rubbed. And whats that sound? Just breathing. Just little toddler breathing. Little closed eyes, that know not that thier mommy stands over them. Just to hear those breaths. Just to witness what all that "I love my babies" fuss is about. Just to remember why I have such patience. Why I smile in the midst of chaos. Why I carry a very unhappy one year old and cook at the same time. Why I go about my day with a two year old hanging on my leg as if it were the latest style. Why I punish with a soft caring voice, well stern when neccessary. C'mon, I'm not a pushover! Why I look my children in the eyes, each and every day, multiple times a day and say the only thing I can think of that could possibly explain it all to them....I love you.

I am going to bed now, wait, no, one more load of wash. One last sippy cup to clean. Oh and that asparagus that is now marinating my floor in green. Oh, and organizing the toys now would make for a much more pleasant morning. Is there enough milk for tomorrow? Should I look up a recipe or something so that my kids can eat creative dinners that might make Martha Stewart proud? Call a friend? Ugh, no calling. So thankful for facebook. Well, that reminds me, catch up on facebook. Ok, now going to bed.

Ah. My pillow, my warm, warm covers on this cold, cold night. So comfortable. So nice................whaaaaaaa, whaaaaaaaaa. Out of bed, into babies room. Pick up baby. Change diaper, hold, rock, kiss head and say I love you. Tiptoe, as if I do not exist, back into my room. Back into bed. I made it. Once again warm. Let my heavy eyes close. (cry) maaaaaa (cry) mommy (cry) maaaaaaaaama. Bolt into toddler's room. Reasurre that all is well. Go back to my room. Wait a couple minutes for the ever expected follow up. And......there it is. To his room and back again. Down to a science. Now, for some sleep. Its been an hour. A whole long hour. My body is at rest. My dreams are a dreaming. And then.........(loud toddler cry) maaamaaaa, (repeat). Jolt from sleep, fly out of bed. Lay in bed with my boy and let him know that there is no boogy man strong enough to take me on. And belive me, a tired mama is not one to be messed with! Ok, back to my bed.

I will find another comfortable spot. I will again be warm. I check the video monitor at my side for reassurance. I will wait for sleep to find me once more. I wait. I close my eyes. But what comes to me is not the quiet rest that I long for. It is the short little man that I live with. It is the boy who learned to fear the night. The boy that needed, uhm, I lost count of the amount of time outs he may have needed today. It is the boy, who above all other humans on earth, looks for me. He climbs into my bed, takes over my pillow, not to mention my comfortable spot. He requests a pass. A pass from the scariness. A pass from the "i'm all by myself feeling." A pass from growing up. And I give it to him. He snuggles his mama. He waits to drift off to the rest that his little body so needs, to help him grow up into a boy, that can one night hold his own in the world of scarey things. But before he does, he says "Mommy, I love you."

And that my friends, my readers, my whoever you are, Makes my whole life worth it.